


to some piece i have a right (i pay so dearly)

by artsyspikedhair



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abusive Dursley Family, BAMF Hagrid, Evil Severus Snape, Gen, Lowercase, Manipulative Dumbledore, Psychological Trauma, Ravenclaw Harry Potter, Touch Averse Harry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2018-12-30 15:38:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 16
Words: 12,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12111867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyspikedhair/pseuds/artsyspikedhair
Summary: mr. and mrs. dursley were proud to say they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. they were the last people you'd expect to find involved in anything strange. petunia evans, however, was no stranger to freakishness, and when a freak wound up on her doorstep, her childhood emotions she had buried along with her last name bubbled up. the freak was going to pay, even if her identity to the outside world was that of a dursley.





	1. a childhood spent in hell

mr. and mrs. dursley were proud to say they were perfectly normal, thank you very much. they were the last people you'd expect to find involved in anything strange. petunia evans, however, was no stranger to freakishness, and when a freak wound up on her doorstep, her childhood emotions she had buried along with her last name bubbled up. the freak was going to pay, even if her identity to the outside world was that of a dursley. nobody outside of her four walls would have to know. 

petunia had always been different. she knew from the moment her sister had been brought home from the hospital that she was going to be doomed. as the two grew up together, petunia's love for her sister was seen as strange by her schoolmates. she found herself dreaming of green eyes and woke up with a liquid between her legs. a small part of petunia was glad when her sister left for freak school, because it got rid of the complicated feelings, leaving only jealousy in its wake. jealousy that grew when petunia got a wedding invitation, knowing her sister was marrying a freak. she had lost her forever. 

but now there was a baby on her doorstep, green eyes looking up at her. petunia knew, implicitly, as a child, she could never touch her sister the way she dreamed of - the way she wanted to. after dudley had been born vernon saw no need to go further than chaste kisses before he went off to work. but now she had a child - no, a freak!- under her control. a child who would never remember anything other than her touch, one who, if she could get vernon and dudley to go along with her plans, would only know kind touches from her. petunia brought the boy - she would never call him harry, she would never see him as anything other than the male version of her sister, the girl she once loved. the freak who abandoned her. 

vernon hated abnormality as much as petunia did, and dudley was soon raised to take out all frustrations on his cousin. the boy knew nothing of his past, only that he was a freak. he lived in a cupboard and was not allowed to speak beyond what was necessary to get his chores done. his uncle and dudley enjoyed hitting him at any opportunity, and if he angered or upset dudley, petunia's frying pan would fall down on his head. 

the boy learned his name on the first day of primary school. "harry potter?" the teacher called, and dudley kicked him. harry made a noise, and the teacher checked him off. that was his name now, at least to his schoolmates. that night was the night the rules changed. petunia came into his cupboard, and ordered him to take dudley;s hand-me-down trousers off. then she placed her hand under his pants. 

"aunt petunia, what're you-" 

"boy, remember the rules." no questions, right. "you're in school now, so that means you're old enough to learn a new chore. look at me." harry looked into his aunt's eyes. "i - your mother - her name was lily. we used to do this together. see how i'm rubbing you, you're stiffening." harry nodded. "now i will take my skirt off." she did so. "see the small thing in the back?" harry had no idea what she was talking about, but nodded anyway. petunia pointed at what she was talking about. "that's a lady's prick. your mom and i used to rub each other. it's how family members show love. as my nephew, you are supposed to love me. so do what you're told, boy!" harry began rubbing his aunt, staring in wonder. his mom - like him, now, he supposed - had a name! his aunt, who had only ever been unpleasant before, now loved him! harry thought maybe things on privet drive might change. 

but nothing did. in public, his aunt only showed affection to dudley. harry was not allowed to get higher grades than precious diddykins did. harry still got hit, in fact he was hit more often now because dudley had friends. the only change was at night, in his cupboard, his aunt touched him. and he had to touch her. harry didn't like it, even though it felt nicer than fists and bites and frying pans did. it felt too close, like it was wrong. on the playground he learned that he and his aunt were doing was how babies were made. harry prayed to his parents at night, begging them to not make him a father when he was still a kid. harry didn't know enough to believe in any god, but he figured his mother must have hated what petunia did to her too. harry had to believe he wasn't the wrong one, wasn't really the freak he was constantly told he was, because there was no escape from privet drive. 

but then, after five years of his aunt's new chore, after a week of no meals because of something he had no idea how had happened, harry was given an escape. there was a man who came to the hut that the dursley's were hiding on. he was there for harry. he was angry on harry's behalf. he gave dudley a bloody pig's tail. if harry had had a say, he would have asked hagrid to turn petunia's prick into a pig's tail, but he wasn't allowed to talk about that. 

hagrid was nice. hagrid gave harry food, and didn't touch him or make harry touch him, and more than that, hagrid knew harry's parents. harry had a father, a father named james! harry wasn't a freak, he was a wizard! the excitement was overwhelming. harry fell asleep on the boat. 

harry and hagrid went to diagon alley together, where harry got a wand, the first pair of clothes that had ever fit him, books he was actually allowed to read, and a pet. harry chose an owl, but he asked hagrid to take her until school started up. "we're not allowed pets in my house." harry explained, which was only half true. dudley had been allowed pets, even after he threw his tortoise on the roof, but harry only had the spiders in his cupboard. if harry had brought home a bird that made noise and, worst of all to his cleanly aunt, pooped, harry would be homeless before the night was up. hagrid eyed harry curiously, the giant thinking of how harry was sleeping on the stone floor when hagrid appeared, harry's tiny stature, lack of knowledge about the world, and now a family that wouldn't allow him a childhood pet?! hagrid would have to discuss harry's living situation once he got back to hogwarts. hagrid's loyalty to dumbledore was strong, but harry clearly needed to at least be looked over by madame pomfrey. 

the remaining month at the dursley's was spent locked in the cupboard for days on end, the only way of telling that time passed being aunt petunia's nightly visits. harry felt more desperate than ever now knowing he had a way out come september. he picked the lock of his cupboard two weeks in, needing food. that earned him a kick in the stomach as he was shoved back into his cupboard by his uncle. "worthless freak, multilating our dudley, stealing our food..." vernon muttered. 

but then the month was up, and harry was left alone in the crowded train station.


	2. the train and the sorting,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry found himself staring at all the people. the most crowded place he had been before this was school, but now he was surrounded by adults rushing to get to their trains. he was terrified, and oddly longed for his cupboard.

harry found himself staring at all the people. the most crowded place he had been before this was school, but now he was surrounded by adults rushing to get to their trains. he was terrified, and oddly longed for his cupboard. the dursley's never used to leave him alone, afraid he would make the house or car explode. but now he was completely alone, and lost, looking for a train that might not even exist. 

"mum, we're gonna miss the train!" shouted a red-headed boy that looked around harry's age. harry tried surreptitiously to follow them, smoothing his hair so it covered his white scar. there was no need to draw undue attention to himself; he was only looking for the train. 

"dearie, are you lost?" the red-head's mother suddenly asked him. harry nodded silently, somewhat afraid. this woman looked nothing like petunia, but high-pitched voices still made him unreasonably nervous. 

"yes, ma'am. i'm looking for, uh..." harry glanced down at the back of his left hand, where he had written the platform number. "the platform nine and three quarters?" 

"ah, you must be headed to hogwarts! right this way, my son ron is starting his first year too." the boy harry had noticed earlier waved at him, and harry took in his long round nose and freckles. maybe this ron could be a friend? 

harry was shocked when the two twins, who had been racing ahead of their mother, ran straight into a column. but then he remembered, magic existed, and if it didn't work for him, well, he's had concussions before. harry looked back at ron, who saw harry's unsure expression and spoke up. "wanna go in together? it's less scary that way, my brother bill told me." harry nodded and grabbed ron's hand. the two boys ran, their trunks dragging behind them, and suddenly they were on the platform, where a large steam train awaited them. 

on the train harry learned about the new school he would be attending. they had something called houses. ron wanted to get into gryffindor, where all his family had been. harry just wanted to be somewhere where people wouldn't touch him. in diagon alley people were grabbing at him and it reminded him too much of piers polkiss and his aunt and - harry just wanted to be somewhere where his fame wouldn't be a big deal. harry also got to eat for the first time in two days. the chocolates in the wizarding world moved! harry learned on his chocolate frog card that his new headmaster had beaten a dark wizard grindelwald in a duel, was the first gay wizard to ever be offered a government position, and that the pictures in the wizarding world moved. 

towards the end of the trip a blond boy who reminded harry extraordinarily of dudley came into their compartment to berate his new friend and tell harry he was hanging out with the wrong sort. harry placed slytherin on the list of "houses that his fame would make a problem in". 

hogwarts was a flipping castle! harry stood outside the boat for a moment, gaping at the place he would now call home. stonewall couldn't hold a candle to this place! speaking of candles, the great hall was full of floating ones, as well as a ceiling charmed to look like the sky. and the food! harry had never seen so much food in his life! dudley would've been in heaven, harry thought, but he wasn't there. harry was! it all felt surreal, and it took a tall woman addressing the first years to bring harry back to his senses. 

the woman told the first years that there would be hat that would sort them into their houses. ron was outraged because fred and george had told him he'd have to fight a troll. harry would have rather fought a troll than listen to this woman shout out everyone's names. it took what felt like forever, and being able to smell food but not eat it made hogwarts feel all-too-much like the place harry was leaving behind. 

finally it was his turn. harry's legs felt like jello as he pretended to ignore the whispers following him up. the hat was placed on his head. the hat seemed to be shifting through harry's memories, including the more recent ones that harry had tried to hide from. "hmm, you've been through a lot, haven't you?" harry supposed he had, going from a dark cupboard to a school for wizards, finding out he wasn't a freak after eleven years of being told he was, and still dealing with the creeping fear that he could get his aunt pregnant was certainly a lot. "but where to place you? certainly ambitious, brave enough to withstand years at that place, not a bad mind either..." harry didn't know where he wanted to go, just not slytherin and not somewhere that he'd be touched. he hated the pity he'd get when he flinched, but he couldn't control his reactions, and he didn't want another reason to be a freak. somewhere he wouldn't constantly be compared to his parents would be nice too. "hmm, well you've already ruled out slytherin, and the gryffindors are big on play-fighting and hugs, so i suppose it must be... RAVENCLAW!" 

the students clapped as harry made his way over to the table. more food was exactly what he needed. he looked back up at the hat only when ron was being sorted. harry kept his fingers crossed, but, surprisingly, the hat called out "SLYTHERIN" for ron. well, harry supposed it made sense. the boy was ambitious, after all. 


	3. the checkup

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hagrid had warned madam pomfrey about harry before he arrived, but she had never expected what the spell showed her.

harry thoroughly enjoyed his dinner in the great hall. he met some of his fellow first years, micheal corner and anthony goldstein, as well as an exceptionally good-looking second year named cho chang. micheal really liked some sport called quidditch, while anthony was upset because he was missing the jewish holiday of rosh hashana. harry asked lots of questions, and rather liked the idea of the new year starting in september, right when school does. he was about to ask anthony about what foods they eat on the holiday when hagrid came over. 

"sirry to interrup' yer dinner, lad, but dumbledore asked me to get yeh checked up in the hospital wing. as yeh were raised by muggles yeh might 'ave some untreated magical diseases." hagrid had, in fact, gotten permission from dumbledore to take harry to madam pomfrey, but only to ensure he hadn't become an obscurious. hagrid had warned poppy ahead of time though about harry's despicable guardians, and had said that if his suspicions proved correct, he would gladly let harry stay in his hut. he, uncharacteristically, had not asked dumbledore beforehand. dumbledore had given hagrid his home more than twenty years ago, and if he refused to let harry stay with him, hagrid would... well, hagrid figured it wouldn't come to that. dumbledore was a good man, he would never condone what those monsters did to poor harry, lily and james' son. he was just a wee bit forgetful, that's all, he was 150 years old. these thoughts carried hagrid to the hospital wing, where madam pomfrey was waiting. 

"hope yeh memorized the route, you'll be needin' it. lots of acciden's occur wit' magic, 'specially firs' year!" with that, hagrid waved harry inside. he'd wait for him, of course. had to know if he needed to add a second bedroom to his hut, after all. but harry deserved some privacy, so hagrid waited outside the wing. 

"hello? oh, you must be harry dear, hagrid told me you were coming. sit down on the bed, i'll just do some scans on you, and test your vision again to make sure your glasses are working right and then you can go join your friends." harry was not at all comforted by these reassurances. harry had no idea what sort of magic illnesses existed, and his imagination, which he had never been allowed to use but certainly did anyway, ran wild. he feared horns growing from his head, a disease that turned him purple, or, worst of all, something so contagious he'd be sent back. harry half-smiled at the nurse anyway, because that's what you're supposed to do when adults try to reassure you. 

madam pomfrey was right shocked. hagrid had warned madam pomfrey about harry before he arrived, but she had never expected what the spell showed her. even before she waved her wand, the boy showed clear signs of malnutrition and dehydration. and the spell itself had made a list that made the woman nearly cry out. 

deep tissue scarring from age two she had expected, but four concussions leading to slight brain damage effecting his gross motor skills, scars from beatings that had been going on since harry was four, visual impairment caused by constant darkness until he was six, broken ribs, dog bites; they were all unexpected. and, most surprising of all, harry suffered from torn ligaments and swelling in his penis, which meant that the abuse, whether the cause was physical or sexual, was far more intimate than anything madam pomfrey had ever seen. she had no idea where to start with healing the boy, but she supposed fixing the concussion-induced brain damage would be best, as would finding a mind healer to help harry deal with what madam pomfrey prayed was not but appeared very much to be sexual abuse. she gave harry some potions meant to reduce the swelling in his brain (seriously, what had he been hit with? a frying pan?!) as well as his more delicate areas. the boy seemed too tired to complain, or perhaps was unused to it. when he was finished, madam pomfrey sent him out to be taken to his dorm by hagrid. flitwick could handle the child's transition to school. madam pomfrey had a headmaster to deal with. one who must have answers to why she had found harry in such a state.


	4. albus bloody dumbledore

poppy pomfrey was livid as she charged up the stone steps opposite to where hagrid was leading poor harry. the more she looked at the parchment holding the child's medical records, the angrier she became, and the gargoyles let her in without a password when they saw her face. 

"albus..." the mediwitch hissed, unable to control her outrage. dumbledore was entirely unaffected by the woman, even as literal smoke came steaming out her ears. 

"to what do i owe this pleasure, poppy?" 

pomfrey handed the records over. no name was attached to them. "read," she commanded, and albus dumbledore read about the injuries he had allowed the boy who lived to sustain. 

"this is- not good. what do you suppose we do about this matter?" 

"remove him from that house immediately! get the boy a mind healer! why are you so calm?!" 

albus ignored her question about his composure. "who is the child?" 

"it's- it's young harry, sir, why does who he is matter?" 

"do we have any proof that the injuries sustained were caused by relatives?" 

poppy's anger shot up again. she was now yelling at her boss. "whoever did this to him had near constant access to the boy! he was being raped day and night! whether it was his relatives or not, moving the child out of the situation should be your number one priority!" 

"how do you know the boy was not undergoing consensual experimentation? he is eleven, many children-" 

"it has been going on for five years! daily! now either you will remove him or i will get the ministry involved!" 

"okay. i will move him. as his magical guardian, he will reside with me during vacations." 

"good, then the matter is settled. I will send these papers to the muggle police to get an investigation in order. harry will have to spend two or three days with the foster care people, but if you ask specifically for him, the muggles are often swamped with children needing homes. they will not deny you." 

"brilliant plan, poppy. and as for a mind healer?" 

"professor sinstra has a background as a healer, and as a former ravenclaw could bond well with harry. if not, i have many colleagues from my days at france's hospice for the magically mental that are in need of work." 

"thank you. and one more thing-" 

poppy pomfrey, already on her way out the door, turned to look at her boss, whose confusing ways she had gotten used to over the years. 

"obliviate." 


	5. ravenclaw

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> poppy recovers from the events in the previous chapter, harry sees his new home for the first time, and filius flitwick has to drastically change his expectations.

madam pomfrey ducked as the spell hit the wall. her surprise was not evident on her face as she continued staring at her employer. "well, i never-" she exclaimed. 

"i want what's best for the boy, poppy. i truly believe he would be in danger if he lives in our world year round, but if this report is true-" 

"you would have changed my memory. you wanted to bring him back. no, albus, you do not get to decide harry potter's future. not in the slightest. i will bring my papers over to the ministry. even a bureaucracy as incompetent as them would be better than these- those people. the government will take his magical guardianship away from you, even with magnificent influence." 

"if you go forward with this, i will have no choice but to fire you." 

"if you fire me, we both know minerva would quit in protest. you need her, and you need me." poppy hoped invoking her wife's high status to dumbledore would appeal to the man. 

"i will make do. now leave. your employment has been terminated. i'm sorry it had to come to this, old friend." 

"you allowed a child to be abused, albus. you are no friend of mine." and with those words, poppy pomfrey left the headmaster's office for the last time, a sense of severe betrayal covering her emotions. she would go to the ministry tomorrow. today, she would go to her flat in london and cry. 

  


meanwhile, in another part of the castle, hagrid led harry up a winding staircase. harry was used to being on his feet often, as he did his chores, but even he found the trek exhausting after the day he had had. harry was seriously relieved when hagrid looked to him and said "'ere's yer new 'ome. i'll see yeh tomorrow, lad." 

harry looked at the door. there was a wooden carving of a face, and it started asking harry a riddle. "what walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?" harry knew riddle were usually metaphorical, and thought of the day as a life. 

" a person?" harry guessed. the door swung open. the other first years were in a circle in the common room with the head of house, filius flitwick. harry found an open seat and sat down. 

"hello newcomer! we were just introducing ourselves! state your name, pronouns, and favorite book." flitwick knew who harry was, of course, but thought it would be more polite to let the child introduce himself like everyone else. 

"er, hullo. i'm harry." harry's eyes were focused on the wall near flitwick's head. eye contact made him uncomfortable. "i get called boy a lot, so the he him pronouns i guess?" harry had never thought he had any other options, but apparently in this new place you could be anyone you wanted. harry would think about whether he was a boy later. "i, uh, i haven't really read any books other than the ones for school. i liked our grammar book. i'll read a lot here though, now that i'm allowed to." harry didn't know what else to say. everyone was staring at him. "and, uh, that's it." 

filius flitwick was surprised by harry's personality. he seemed nervous, which was to be expected, but his soft-spoken voice was nothing like the james potter that roamed hogwarts twenty years prior. flitwick also paused at the fact that harry had never read outside of school. there were many muggle raised students in ravenclaw, and they all raved about muggle libraries. maybe harry's family had some sort of vendetta against libraries? flitwick wondered. but it was no matter. "alright, harry, the others will introduce themselves again tomorrow. it takes a while to get used to new names, especially with so many. now off to bed. there's six dorms, two for male-identified people, two for female-identified people, and two for anyone who is uncomfortable with the first four dorms. the last two sets of dorms have private bedrooms as opposed to communal ones. it is up to you all, but decide quickly. it is getting late." 

harry typically slept naked after his aunt did her nightly ritual. he figured at hogwarts he could sleep in his clothes. perhaps wizards don't need laundry? harry followed anthony goldstein to one of the male dorms, and was asleep before he could wonder any more about the strangeness of his new life.


	6. first morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry is woken up by the sound of a door slamming. michael corner has left for breakfast without bothering to wake any of the others up.

harry is woken up by the sound of a door slamming. michael corner has left for breakfast without bothering to wake any of the others up. harry has never been so well rested in his life. he hadn't dreamed at all, and his bed is so much more comfortable than the air mattress he sleeps on at his house. harry gets out of it now though, the thought of food motivating him to grab his robes and pants. harry finds the bathroom without much trouble. he looks down at his naked self, thinking about how here he is allowed, if he wants, to not be a he. harry doesn't know if he wants that. he does know he hates his body, his hairless chest and scrawny frame, and he especially hates the thing between his legs that his aunt loves. harry, while dressing himself for the day, has a brief thought that maybe he learn a charm to spell his penis off. then his aunt would have no use for him. then he'd be safe. or possibly he could learn something that could stop anyone from touching him. harry left the bathroom. anthony tapped his shoulder, and harry tensed, suppressing the urge to flinch. 

safe. yeah, right. harry potter is never safe, even when he isn't being beaten or raped. he never feels safe. 

anthony seems like a quiet fellow. "sorry, didn't mean to scare you. just, i know the way down to breakfast and thought we could go together?" anthony's voice trailed off, his fear of rejection apparent. harry agrees, on one condition. 

"just, don't touch me again, okay?" harry hates himself for asking, but anthony's smile quells his self-hatred. 

"okay. sorry." he and harry make their way to the great hall. as harry enters the room, a paper is thrust into his hand and a familiar red head at the first table waves at him. 

"harry! i saved you a seat!" ron enthusiastically shouts as harry makes his way over, ignoring the glares of ron's housemates. "harry, you'll never believe the night i had. the prefects led us down to the dungeons, and the common room is completely made of glass! all the slytherins have to use our free blocks to learn British Sign Language though, because the mermaids like to chat. i don't fancy lessons with snape, he still seems like a git, head of house or not." as ron talks, he simultaneously shoves large bites of waffles into his mouth, pausing to chew between sentences. harry has grabbed four slices of toast, unused to anything else and feeling overwhelmed. he also notices the glares coming towards him from the blonde slytherin whose name he has now forgotten. 

"hopefully we can face him together," harry comments, glancing at the paper he now recognizes as a class schedule. "what do you have?" 

"potions first, then transfiguration and flying lessons." ron pauses and grabs a piece of bacon. he rips off a bites, eats it, and then asks harry "you?" 

"potions, charms, and herbology. so we will face the mean signing machine." harry's attempt at a joke goes over well.


	7. potions

unfortunately, potions class did not go over as well as breakfast did. the more upper class slytherin first years, who had already taken a disliking to ron, kept on trying to introduce themselves to harry and talk about how prestigious their families were. harry was not impressed, and ron started yelling after the fourth "my family line has been pure for centuries" type comment came up. also, a ravenclaw girl named marietta had accidentally discovered that morning that she was allergic to pumpkin, and harry was scared she might die. a kid in his primary school had died from a peanut allergy attack. 

after the long, eventful walk to the dungeon hallway where snape's classroom was, harry and ron decided to sit together. harry thought potions might be like cooking, and he was really very good at cooking, so he optimistically decided that the two should sit up front. unfortunately, harry's hopes would soon be dashed. 

a man with dark eyes and a crooked nose walked in. he was wearing robes intentionally too large, and they acted as a cape, announcing his entrance. his eyes focus on the front row, and the man sneers at one of his slytherins sitting with a ravenclaw. with harry potter, no less. 

as a teacher, the man, "professor snape; you're lucky he's not your head of house," ron told harry, began taking role call. 

harry was terrified; the man looked at him with the same kind of hunger his aunt and uncle did, like he simultaneously wanted to pound harry to a pulp and touch him in inappropriate ways. harry's fear of unwanted attention proved correct when the man got to his name in the role call. 

"ah yes," the professor said softly, "harry potter, our new - celebrity." snape continued the role call, and harry, having tensed at the mere idea of his fame, half-heartedly hoped that the attention would end there. nonetheless, severus snape was not a kind man. 

"potter!" snape said once the role call was over. ron noticed harry flinch at the shout, but snape either hadn't noticed or hadn't cared. "what would i get if i added powdered root of asphodel to an infusion of wormwood?" 

harry, who was not used to teachers asking him questions on the best of days, was infused with panic at his professor's dark eyes, and the barking of the question reminded him far too much of his aunt before she hit him with a frying pan, or hot spatula, or whatever else she was holding. the man was danger, and harry thought that the sooner he realized harry was a worthless waste of time, the better. eyes cast at his desk in hopes of avoiding the rage he thought would come at his answer, harry said simply "i-i-i don't know, sir. sorry." 

the professor, however, was not willing to move on to another victim. "tut tut, it appears fame isn't everything, now is it? now, let's try again. where would you look if i asked you to find me a bezoar?" 

harry vaguely remembered from his textbook some mention of a bezoar. around him, ravenclaws hands were soaring with enthusiasm to answer the question. "in the stomach of-of... some kind of animal, i'm sorry i can't remember!" 

"thought you wouldn't open up a book before coming to class, eh potter?" the professor taunted, ignoring that the answer was half-correct. "what is the difference, potter, between monkshood and wolfsbane?" 

wolfsbane... that had something to do with- werewolves? harry's mind wasn't working fast enough, and snape, getting impatient, shouted "answer!" and slammed his hand on harry's desk. nobody missed the flinch that followed, not even snape, and harry's answer was an incomprehensible "i'm sorry i think wolfsbane is involved with werewolves i don't know sir please don't hit me i'm sorry sir!" harry's hands were shaking, and his breath was quickening. he wasn't good enough for this school, he wasn't fast enough, wasn't smart enough... he was going to get sent back. harry needed out of that overwhelming room filled with smells and sounds and he stood up and ran out of the dungeons, not noticing the look of shock on his professor and classmates' faces. 

ron glared at his head of house, and stood up. "what were thinking, picking on one kid on the first day just because he's famous! you're nothing more than a big bully!" 

"sit down, weasley. you're acting like a gryffindor. five points from slytherin!" 

"take your points and questions and shove them up your arse! i'm going to go find my friend, who you terrified into a panic attack, you great git!" and ron ran out of the dungeons as well, ignoring the glares and attempts to trip him from his housemates.


	8. the revealation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ron attempts to comfort a distraught harry

harry ran to the only place in the school he knew: the ravenclaw tower. he was fighting tears. he had thought hogwarts would be better than his home, but it was just one more place filled with people who had some idea of how he was supposed to be that he didn't know of. his aunt wanted him to be her sister, his uncle wanted him to be dead, and his potion teacher looked at him like his aunt did but treated him like his uncle did. snape's words floated through his head, "thought you wouldn't open a book before coming to class, eh potter?", spitting harry's last name the same way his cousin spat "freak!" at him right before harry ended up breaking ribs and blacking out. but it was harry's response that harry regretted the most. he hadn't taken the punishment like he was supposed to. he begged; he ran! he could never show his face in the dungeons again... 

ron followed his friend, not running because he had an idea of where they were going. he wasn't sure how to comfort harry, he just knew he could not spend one more minute with the bastard who had treated him like shit. ron figured maybe changing the subject, or explaining the rules against corporal punishment might help ease his friend's fears, but he really didn't know. and then they were at the door to the ravenclaw tower. 

harry was in no state to answer a riddle, so he just sank onto the ground. he covered his leaking eyes with his hands, so he had no way of knowing ron was there until ron spoke. 

"see, i told you snape's a git. you shouldn't listen to him, he was asking you NEWT-level questions. the fact that you knew some of the answers was pretty impressive though." ron was rambling, but he seemed to be slowing harry's sniffles, so perhaps he was helping? 

"but- but he yelled at me like i was supposed to know - and- and he looked at me like-" harry began crying again. his body felt like it could feel his aunt on him again, even though he was miles away. the look that snape had given him - that petunia had given him- 

"harry? harry it's okay you're okay" ron tried comforting him physically but harry tensed so violently that ron felt like a jerk for even considering it. 

"no it's not he wanted to touch me why does everyone always want to fucking touch me?!" harry didn't sound upset anymore, he sounded angry. "my aunt claimed that it was the only way families showed love was by - by touching each other's privates, but snape doesn't love so why did he look at me like my aunt does?! why does every good thing always end in fucking!" 

ron had never imagined that anyone- that any family would ever - he felt uncomfortable and dirty just thinking about his mom or- or anyone touching him there. "harry, that's not love, what your aunt has done. my family loves me and we've never- i think your aunt lied to you. i'm sorry." 

harry thought about how young he had been, and how disgusting he felt, and he didn't have any words. he and ron just sat together in the hallway, in silence. and harry thought that maybe this red-headed friend he had found could teach him what love was.


	9. flitwick finds the boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> filius flitwick was blessed to have a free period on the first day of the school year. he had spent some time going over his syllabus for the NEWT-level charms classes when he decided to check the tower to ensure none of his students were skipping class.

filius flitwick was blessed to have a free period on the first day of the school year. he had spent some time going over his syllabus for the NEWT-level charms classes when he decided to check the tower to ensure none of his students were skipping class. and his instincts had been correct - two first years who were meant to be in potions were instead sitting in the hallway. flitwick hoped they weren't sick; first years often forgot where the hospital wing was on their first day, and nerves can make them more susceptible to headaches. 

"harry? what are you doing outside of class? are you sick?" flitwick tried to sound as nonthreatening as possible.

it was the slytherin boy next to harry (flitwick forgot his name) that answered. "professor snape was taunting harry, sir! he was asking him questions that we aren't expected to know until our OWLS! i know because my brother percy bought a book to help him prepare for the OWLS and it was asking about wormwood and bezoars and we weren't even assigned reading in potions and it's not harry's fault please don't get us in trouble!" 

"it's fine, boys, i know severus can be a bit ... over-expectant of his younger classes." noting harry still looked scared, flitwick added. "you will not get in trouble boys, don't worry. it's perfectly natural to get overwhelmed in that classroom, i have been trying to convince dumbledore to hire another professor for the younger students for years. now, is that all?" 

ron whispered in harry's ear, asking if he could tell flitwick. harry liked his new head of house, and thought that maybe if they knew then harry could stay at hogwarts forever, now that harry knew not everyone was like snape. harry remembered hagrid, and how outraged hagrid had seemed at harry's uncle, and thought maybe wizards had different standards of what was okay or not. harry nodded. 

ron spoke up. "harry was telling me that his aunt - that she-" 

harry spoke very very quietly, knowing how bad ron was at using his words. "she made me touch her, in the- the babymaking way, and ron said that isn't something wizards allow and i was wondering if maybe i could live here all the time? i don't like it. i know i'm supposed to and it's how people show love, but i'm broken, i guess, because i don't." 

of all the things flitwick was expecting, that was not one. he reassured harry that "muggles are not supposed to touch children in that way either, harry. you're not broken, and i will see what can be done." then flitwick shooed the kids off to herbology, and went down to talk to hagrid. 

hagrid had met the blasted muggles, and in his three years at hogwarts, he had been a charms prodigy. flitwick knew hagrid loved harry, and knew that if anyone at hogwarts could benefit from adopting a child (instead of, say, an acromantula), it was hagrid. 


	10. the talk in the hut

before going down to the groundkeeper's hut, flitwick had ran into a furious minerva mcgonagall, who appeared to be preparing to leave the castle. she ranted at him about "that blasted man's abysmal ethics towards abused children, my god filius, he had my wife almost break her duty of care!", confirming flitwick's suspicions that dumbledore, as harry's legal guardian, had known what was going on. the only person who had hagrid's loyalty more than dumbledore was the students. flitwick knocked on the man's door. 

"eh, filius! 'aven't 'ad yeh down 'ere since that lovegood child started riding the unicorns! welcome! want summat ter eat? rock cake?" 

"no thank you. pandora truly was special." flitwick smiled at the memories. "i apologize for being away so long, i've been busy." 

"no need ter tell me about, busy, prof'sser. dumbledore 'ad me take an entire day off te pick 'arry up after 'is ugly relatives ran away." 

"Harry is actually what i came here to talk to you about. Rubeus, I know you were close to Lily-"

"wonderful girl, loved 'aving tea wit' me..." 

"and i have discovered some alarming news about his relatives, and, as harry's head of house, it is my duty to ensure his safety. you have done wonderfully ensuring the safety of our many students and creatures-" 

"yeh wan' meh ter be his mummy!" hagrid lifted the shorter man in a comical looking but heartfelt bear hug. 

"now, rubeus, it won't all be parenting. you'll have to fight against harry's current guardianship-" 

"the court jus' needs ter spend one day wit' those muggles and -" 

"madame pomfrey, minerva, and the sorting hat have all agreed to testify to harry's abuse, but in that dumbledore is harry's magical legal guardian, there will be some difficulties." 

"dumbledore's a great man, 'e'll 'ave to know something's the matter wit' the boy! an' 'e trusts me! 

"rubeus, being harry's guardian would have to take priority over all other loyalties." flitwick's eyes were wide as he stressed the point to the larger wizard. 

"of course! 'e's been through enough! i'd even leave hogwarts if it kept 'im safe! james and lily were like family ter meh!" 

"thank you, i knew i could trust you. next week, we should head over to the dmls to get this down on paper." 

"will do!" hagrid nodded excitedly. "in the meantime, 'arry 'asn't gotten any letters yet, i oughta write him over for tea!" 

flitwick walked to the castle feeling lighter than he had in days. the half-giant always managed to cheer him up.


	11. harry comes home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry was expecting a lot of things his second full day at hogwarts.

harry was expecting a lot of things his second full day at hogwarts- 

he expected his ravenclaw friends to tell him all about how ron stormed out of class, and the utter chaos that ensued afterward. (micheal corner told that story, how snape got all nasally and started ranting about the sorting hat making mistakes and ron should've been a gryffindor, until theodore nott, ron's roommate, got angry and reminded snape that his father breeds dementors "and is on the committee of governors, so he could easily get you fired if you don't stop discriminating against houses and instead start teaching. i bet he could feed you to one of the babies, they need lighter meals so my dad only feeds them the saddest, most angry, bitter creatures he can find.") 

he expected draco malfoy to make a massive fuss about ron sitting at the ravenclaw table for breakfast - "and with harry potty, the boy who can't even make it through potions without running and crying to his mommy, except, oh wait, he hasn't got one!"- and chose to ignore the prat. bullies thrive on reactions, harry knew this from experience with dudley's gang. 

yes, harry had expected many things that second morning at hogwarts, but a letter in the same messy scrawl his first-remembered birthday cake was in was not one. it was a pleasant surprise; hagrid was inviting him and any of his friends that weren't scared of dogs to eat lunch in his hut. harry happily wrote a reply, ron and terry boot both wanted to meet the groundskeeper. anthony would have too, but he was allergic to dogs. micheal just didn't like their teeth- "they're so pointy, and dogs are obligate omnivores! two or three of them could chew all the flesh off a human carcass!" harry thought about ripper, and supposed micheal was right about some dogs, but hagrid was a nice man. harry trusted him not to have a pet that would eat anyone.

another unexpected event occurred that morning. dumbledore, due to "unforeseen circumstances", would be teaching transfiguration for the near future, and the hospital wing would be run with the help of filch and some house elves. no explanation was given as to where mcgonagall or madam pomfrey went. micheal suggested they might have caught the hippogriff flu - "very contagious, it would be unthinkable to teach class with feathers growing out your vocal cords as you sweat pus!" 

transfiguration was a double class with the hufflepuffs, so harry and terry decided they meet up with ron outside by the pumpkin patch. hagrid had drawn a little map with instructions on how to get to his hut. anthony had copied the map on a spare piece of parchment for ron. 

transfiguration seemed to go on and on. dumbledore, for whatever reason, had taken a special interest in harry. harry was too busy taking notes to be that worried about it. the old man seemed kind and wise, like a storybook wizard. he must have been wise to understand transfiguration, because harry was completely lost. 

but after two excruciating hours, the class was over. terry led the way, harry running to keep up due to his short stature. they met up with ron, and harry told them what they needed to know about hagrid before walking in. "he's half-giant, and he keeps his wand in a pink umbrella but doesn't want anyone in authority to know he fixed it because he's not supposed to do magic anymore. oh, and he drinks a lot, but he's a happy drunk." caught up, the three knocked on the door of the dilapidated hut. 

"'arry, frien's, come on in! i've got sum tea, 'n' rock cakes are cookin', they'll be ready in a jiffy! how's yer first day been?" 

harry had befriend a chubby gryffindor named neville in magical theory. terry had explored the library the previous afternoon, and ron was shocked by the prejudices that seemed to be everywhere in slytherin house. even theodore, who ron was begrudgingly beginning to like, thought muggles were a lot more like animals than us. 

"ah, yeah, slytherin's a tough house. i was innit, 'fore they kicked me out. got no en' of trouble 'cuz me giant blood. keep on teachin' em, maybe you'll be the one who changes things." 

hagrid took out the rock cakes, which were burnt slightly, and began talking about how he knew ron and harry's parents. "all gryffindors, except that arthur, he was a hufflepuff. house didn't matter much 'em either. 'arry, yer mum's best friend was a slytherin for 'bout four years. course, then 'e wen' dark." 

"who was he?" terry asked, as harry had his mouth full of cake. 

"professor snape. yes, weasley, don' look so shocked, the man was once a teenager. terrible even then though, used to curse kids fer the fun of it." hagrid slapped his hand over his mouth. "sorry, i shouldn' be badmouthin' professors." 

"it's fine, nobody likes him anyway." harry was really beginning to like the little hut. fang, the dog, had smelled food and began whining. he was a tiny lil thing, "scared o' 'is own shadow" hagrid said. harry and ron tore off pieces of rock cake for the dog. 

when the trio was about to leave, hagrid asked if he could have a word with harry. "yeh know, if yeh wan', yeh could stay 'ere wit' me over the summers. jus' think abou' it." harry didn't need to think. the small hut felt more like home than even the large castle did. 

harry smiled back at hagrid. he gathered some bravery inside him and said "if you wanted to adopt me, i'd let you. this place is amazing, and you are one of the nicest people i've ever met. i'd gladly spend summers here." then he skipped on back to the castle, feeling lighter than he had in forever.


	12. dumbledore's dilemma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dumbledore watched harry's relationship with hagrid. he had a passing curiosity about why harry liked the man so much, but was not at all concerned about their relationship.

over the first month of school, dumbledore watched harry's relationship with hagrid. he had a passing curiosity about why harry liked the man so much, but was not at all concerned about their relationship. dumbledore had been the one to set the spark that fostered the relationship, after all. hagrid was harry's first attachment to the wizarding world, so it was natural for them to befriend each other. 

no, dumbledore was not at all worried about harry's friendship with hagrid. he was glad harry had some adult guidance in his life, since the boy hadn't come to dumbledore or, to dumbledore's knowledge, flitwick about any problems. being the boy-who-lived was tough, but harry was developing loyalty to someone dumbledore would trust with his life. hagrid was indebted to dumbledore for allowing the then-boy to live on campus once expelled, for stealing hagrid's wand before the aurors could burn it. dumbledore never took hagrid's loyalty into question. 

unfortunately, there are some things that dumbledore will never understand. how to feels to be treated like a monster day in and day out, and the struggles that come from trying to convince yourself not to believe them. hagrid had been drinking his feelings since age fourteen, but discussing them with someone whose difference was just as physical as his helped, even though harry still did not understand the significance of the scar on his face. his feelings on monstrosity came from being the black boy in too-large hand-me-downs who sometimes got beaten up because he tried to scratch his spider bites while running. harry understood hatred very well, had had racist muggle slurs thrown at him hundreds of times. he understood what it was to be feared not for who you are, but for what you represent to those around you. 

dumbledore had his hands full that first month anyway. getting filch to run the hospital wing was not hard ("i majored in premed. thought i could earn my living the muggle way, but i ran outta money real quickly. only know muggle remedies though, so those dungbomb slingers will hurt significantly more than they would in madam pomfrey's hands." filch rubbed his hands in anticipation, and tried to figure out if there was a way to charm mrs. norris to prefer lying on the bed of kids with allergies.) dumbledore only felt slight guilt at the fact that the new position meant more work for the house elves and less healthy children, but it certainly wasn't his fault the mediwitch got offended by a mere obliviate and quit on short notice. the ministry doesn't allow squibs to be hired for medical jobs, and far too many loud or muddy children would soon learn why. 

finding a new transfiguration professor, that was significantly harder. for the time being he was covering the spot, but as wizengamot meetings oftetn ran on school days he knew the position needed filling eventually. he was only holding off the inevitable because he only knew one person perfect for the job: perenelle flamel, wife of the man whose stolen property rested inside hogwarts' walls. 

with all the chaos, it's not really strange that certain signs went unnoticed, like how ron somehow finagled snape into signing (read: forged. he forged the signature perfectly) a slip for the restricted section, where, for some odd reason, all the wizarding-being related law books were. harry had come up with the idea, and the three (harry, ron, and hagrid) could often be found by the pumpkin patch or in hagrid's hut, teaching the man about the compensation he deserved for being driven out of his homeland by the other giants, about unions and minimum wage (which for beings was not as much as it was for wixen - half animal beings (centaurs, merpeople, harpies, etc.) were to be paid forty galleons a month, humanoid beings (goblins, giants, veela, and surprisingly dementors) were to be paid at least fifty.) hagrid thought that merely being given a place to stay (where he had had to make the hut himself) and being allowed to eat in hogwarts' halls and being given a stipend of ten galleons a month was charity. but according to the law, which had been written in 1768, gameskeeper was a profession worthy of the same salary of the professors. 

dumbledore's lack of concern would be his downfall. because while he filled his time destroying childhoods rather than simply hiring more staff, the loyalty he thought was in his pocket slipped out from under him. hagrid's true loyalty was not to dumbledore, or even hogwarts. it was to the students, and, right then, it was to harry potter, the boy who truly changed his life.


	13. The trouble with being

harry was finally getting used to hogwarts by the time halloween came, but it had not been easy. the crowded dining hall meant that people were constantly bumping into each other, and the noise made harry feel like he was being pummeled by dudley's gang again, them all shouting slurs and insults and egging each other on. his memories followed him everywhere, like a shadow that attacks suddenly. 

ron, well, ron tried. he had grown up in a house of seven,though, where rough housing and hugs were treated as normal, and didn't understand harry's boundaries. he tried, he was just forgetful, and harry felt tainted and burning and dirty. it wasn't ron's fault, though harry found himself spending more and more time with anthony goldstein and terry boot. 

sharing a dorm was another issue. harry was shocked at first that the other boys were just so comfortable with themselves, with their bodies. he liked the other boys, he really did, but he couldn't handle being watched, being in the same room as someone changing (his aunt's naked body as she undressed in his cupboard haunted him, he could feel her around him, around, suffocating, hands touching him touching him touching)

the first week of october, harry had to piss before astronomy, and he had accidentally walked in on micheal. micheal wasn't pissing, though, or doing his business. he was wanking, and harry ran, and harry made the decision right then and there that he could not share a dormitory. 

flitwick, unfortunately, noticed harry's awkwardness. he noticed the flinches, the stiffening harry did whenever he was accidentally bumped into, the averted eyes at any hint of sexuality (older girls wore clothes that were a bit more form fitting, and harry, once he noticed one of them, seemed incapable of lifting his head from its stance staring at the floor.) flitwick, well, flitwick knew he was handling a delicate situation, and waited all of september for harry to come to someone, to get used to being a person, a child, someone who mattered. harry showed no signs of recovery, although he had friends, and was happy. flitwick had had harry ask him about researching memory charms in the common room a few times. they discussed the various effects and the differences between a memory charm versus a potion versus a pensieve. but flitwick asked harry what sparked the interest in memory, if he was planning on experimenting with any options they talked about, and harry clammed up. he muttered a "gotta go" and quickly walked to the great hall for dinner, fifteen minutes early. flitwick, needless to say, was worried about the boy, especially given the admission regarding his aunt's behavior. flitwick, when he noticed harry moved to his own bedroom, could not keep his concerns to himself anymore. he knew the boy needed help, and figured he might trust filius more than professor sinstra, a near-stranger, for the first discussion regarding the traumatic events, although harry needed mind healing eventually. 

only flitwick did not know what, exactly, had the boy in such distraught. harry was particularly skittish after potions, and often acted as though he expected severus to hit him, or... or worse. flitwick almost hoped that snape had, finally breaking the law in a way that his distressing affect on students could not be ignored. he wanted severus to have given harry a reason to fear him, because the other option... harry would have years of instincts that needed to be rerouted if the other option was true. "the baby-making way..." flitwick barely understood what that meant. he had hoped the boy had merely been molested, but the way he moved, skittish and quickly; the way he reacted to his own natural pubescent arousal, as though it was shameful, but more than that, like someone might use it as an excuse, like he had reason to fear his own body's reactions; all the signs pointed to the dangerous truth: Harry Potter, savior of the wixen world, was more than molested, was raped, perhaps repeatedly, as a child. a child! 

the day flitwick chose to ask harry to his office was day the worst possible thing that harry imagined could happen to him regarding the dursley's happened: his aunt sent him a letter. 

dear freak,  


your worthless body has destroyed my life. I have become the carrier of your perverted spawn. you disgust me, both cousin and father to the creature growing inside me. vernon does not know. Know this: your foolish attempt to win my love has not worked. Dudley is the only joy in my world, and you will not make him second fiddle to this parasite you have created. I plan to induce birth at four months, before it makes me fat and ugly. I intend to make your child's death as painful as possible. You are disgusting to even try to ruin me, ruin my life when I have given you everything. You hide at that freakish school of yours, but the truth will come out soon enough: you are a slut, good for nothing but filling holes with your body. You will never know love, not after attacking my family with your freakishness, even from kilos away. 

I hope the monster that killed lily kills you too. -aunt petunia 

harry stared at the paper. ron did as well, but only because he had never seen paper before. he only saw the backside, as he was across the table. 

"worthless perverted creature parasite child death painful freakish slut slut slut monster" the words swam through harry's vision, his glasses fogging with accidental magic. 

the whole hall saw harry leave, the force of his despair knocking all the ravenclaws off their bench. flitwick sighed, picking up the letter. he and hagrid both left to find harry, the headmaster's "where are you going?" not registering to the concerned adults. their footsteps echoed in the silence of the the hall, only the sounds of breakfast eating, until the door banged shut and the crowd began talking again. anthony and terry looked at each other, unsure what to do. ron went back over to the slytherin table, sensing harry needed the kind of support fellow students could not give him. anthony and terry disagreed with that sentiment apparently, because instead of heading off for another garlic drenched defense class, they checked all harry's favorite hiding spots, trying to find the boy.


	14. hiding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hermione granger was a resourceful little girl. so when trapped in a new world with absolutely no friends, she found herself a place to hide out. little did she know, a dark haired boy wizard was running through the halls of the seventh floor, just as desperate for somewhere to escape as she was.

anthony and terry continued their search for harry, knowing the boy was not going to be in defense and, having shared a dorm with harry for around a month, knowing that harry would not be okay on his own, regardless of what weasley thought. harry flinched if you looked at him wrong - if a fifth year or older found the boy who lived and decided to try something - harry would never make it out unscathed. terry knew a variety of hexes that could deter bullies, and anthony was good at cheering people up. they searched the halls together, almost startling when anthony found himself face to leg with hagrid. 

"wha're yeh doin' outta class boys?" hagrid asked, unfocused on them at all. his eyes scanned the staircases, doorways, suits of armour... nothing. 

flitwick was right behind hagird. "anthony, terry, you lads ought to go to class." 

"we're looking for harry, sir!" anthony shouted, still scared his friend might be in danger. terry explained, "he ran off during breakfast and he's tiny, if a fifth year or older found him with ill-intentions... i know curses, i could defend him if... if..." thinking it over, why had they been so worried? 

"boys, harry is- er-" flitwick did not know how to explain that harry likely would not want his friends to see him right then. flitwick had read the letter, as had hagrid. no eleven year old boy wants to deal with the fall out of - that, and other people trying to comfort him. 

"'arry's in eh delicate situa'on righ' now. 'e needs more adult support, no offense. yeh need not worry, 'e'll be fine. me 'n' flitwick ovah 'ere know plen'y o' curses if some'un tries botherin' em." hagrid easily convinced terry and anthony, who were beginning to worry about losing their house points for skipping class. flitwick whipped them up a pass with his wand and they ran off to defense. hagrid kept his eyes out for harry while flitwick asked various portraits if they'd seen him.

harry had ran, unsure where he was going, eyes blurred with tears, needing somewhere to hide somewhere to think somewhere nobody could touch him she touched him she had made him make a kid he didn't wan that he didn't want to he had ruined their family slut ungrateful freak murderer worthless good for nothing but filling holes... 

hermione granger was a resourceful little girl. so when trapped in a new world with absolutely no friends, she found herself a place to hide out. little did she know, a dark haired boy wizard was running through the halls of the seventh floor, just as desperate for somewhere to escape as she was. the room began changing shape with her inside of it, becoming larger, brighter, the opposite of harry's cupboard. hermione had been using the room as a library, and was surprised when the books changed titles. the courage to heal? surviving incest? these were not the ancient runes she was trying to decode. what was happening? the door opened, and the changes suddenly made sense as the boy ran in scanning the room before finding a blanket and covering himself with it, muttering all the while. the room was the come and go room, of course! 

"i'm sorry i didn't mean to i didn't want to i'm the reason a baby;s dead i'm a murderer nononono worthless freak pervert disgusting no" harry's internal monologue was racing. his body felt like it was trapped in the past, his aunt's hands running over him, her body surrounding him, forcing him to remain trapped in her touch, his body was reacting to the memories but she wasn't here this wasn't supposed to happen nonnonono 

harry felt the impact of the words. his aunt was right. he had liked the contact, liked that he had been the center of her attention, liked pretending he was loved. but his aunt never loved him. he was impossible to love. he was just petunia's replacement for her dead sister, the dead mother he never knew. he was a pervert. he was eleven years old, and the entire world was falling apart. 

hermione didn't know what to do. she stood up and went into the hallway. there, finally, were hagrid and flitwick. hagrid was blowing on a handkerchief the size of a small tent. "'ave yeh seen 'arry?" he blew again.

flitwick clarified, knowing hermione was muggleborn. "harry potter, short, dark skinned, afro, scar that looks like lightning on his forehead?" 

she nodded, pointing at the room whose door she had left wide open. 


	15. legi(l)tim(en)acy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ron remained relatively unconcerned during first period, but when harry didn't show up for joint ravenclaw-slytherin potions, he became concerned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been having a shit time with ptsd and dialogue is not my friend, thinking about this chapter was the only thing that sucessfully distracted my brain from trauma, i'm sorry if you wanted to know exactly what went down in the room of requirement, but you have snape being a privacy-invading git to make up for it! oh, also, massive trigger warning regarding past rape and also snape being sadistic and creepy

ron remained relatively unconcerned about harry's disappearance from breakfast. he knew harry was unpredictable and was honestly too focused on thinking about how to get his father some of that paper stuff to care. having a best mate in another house can make his problems seem more distant from your own, even when you're all at the same school. ron paired with theodore nott to pot the fluttering fitilias, which kept on trying to wrap its root around theodore's fingers every time he moved the soil. they didn't talk. slytherin house still did not like ron, what with his friendship with the-boy-who-lived and his family's blood feud with malfoy. ron didn't mind, his brothers gave him the gryffindor password so he can always play chess with a pursed-lips disapproving but not really enough to stop it percy. 

but when harry didn't show up to joint ravenclaw-slytherin potions, he became concerned. being a slytherin had its perks, in that snape never took points from his own house, only detention. ron could handle detention. so five minutes into class, while snape was only just starting his lecturing about the restorative properties of gillyweed in nutrient potions, ron sneaked across the room, crawling under tables and around chairs, until he found anthony. goldstein had been closest to harry, as much as anyone could really be close to a boy who folds into himself whenever you touch him. 

"psst." ron whispered. "you ever find harry?" 

"ron! how did you- slytherin, sneakiness, right. harry's having a 'situation'" anthony used finger quotes, evidently pissed about not knowing what was happening. "flitwick said it was a thing for adults to handle." 

"hagrid was with him though, so i can't imagine harry offed himself or anything," added terry, who immediately realized how blunt his phrasing was. "i mean, hagrid is a calming presence to harry-" 

"mr. boot." snape drawled, delighted to have someone to attack even in potter's absence. ravenclaws typically followed the rules to a t, leaving snape with no way to work his anger off other than writing scathing remarks on their essays. "care to enlighten the class about what is it under your bench you find so enthralling?" instead of waiting for an answer, snape walked on over, noticed ron, and roughly manhandled the boy into a standing position. "mr. weasley! should've known a troublemaker like you was capturing ravenclaw's attention. detention for two weeks! mr. boot, ten points from ravenclaw!" snape walked ron back over to his seat, then continued his lesson uninterrupted for a blessed twenty minutes. 

harry came into potions thirty minutes late, looking extraordinarily ashamed and embarrassed as forty eyes stared at him. harry had two notes excusing his tardiness, one from hagrid and one from flitwick, that he quickly handed over to professor snape, making sure their hands did not touch during the encounter. he then took the only available cauldron, one the right side in the front of the class. 

snape glared at harry as he entered, unaware that the effect was entirely lost because harry was taking great care not to look anybody in the eyes. arrogant potter, strolling in like he owned the place, not polite enough to even apologize for interrupting a very important lecture! well then, snape thought as he scanned the notes for any sign of forgery, any excuse to get potter in trouble at all really. nothing could be found. flitwick's note stated that harry had had a family emergency that caused "such emotional upheaval that returning to class before it was addressed would prohibit both mr. potter's and others' learning". flitwick also wrote that if snape punished harry in any way for his tardiness then flitwick would be attending the school board meeting specifically to recommend snape be put on probation. of course, snape thought, of course that dwarf decided to resort to threats - flitwick knew that was the only way to stop snape from doing whatever he wanted. nobody could ask dumbledore to reprimand his pet teacher, no no, then you would be threatening the safety of slytherin students by hiring a potentially anti-death eater biased head of house. flitwick only used threats when he had good reason, however, and snape was desperately curious to know what potter's reason was. 

curiosity floating through his head, snape wrapped up his lecture and got the students to work making a re-hydrating potion. harry began getting out his materials, preferring to work alone today. as he went through his bag, he caught the potions master in the tiniest of peripheral glances. that, however, was all it took for a biased snape to enter harry's memories. 

hagrid's kind voice running through harry's head. "it wasn't yer fault. yer aunt made teh decision, yeh weren't old enough to make any sort of choice around that sort of thing..." what sort of thing, snape wondered, which brought the memory of the note up to the surface, along with flitwick's reassurances that harry was not, in fact, a freak or parasite or pervert. snape was not triggering clear enough memories for him to know what the bloody hell was going on, so he focused on that last word. why would lily's son think was a pervert? 

unbeknowst to him, snape's thinking of harry as lily's son triggered harry's subconscious to bring up the memories when harry first started, when he first thought if he pretended to be his mother, if he let his aunt do what she wished with him, he could earn her love. "lily" petunia's voice said, "your mother lily and i, this was how we showed our love" 

and suddenly snape is seeing far more of petunia, of lily's sister, than he ever wanted to see, but at the same time he can see the resemblance behind petunia's horsey face and bony lips and full-fleshed figure that she was telling harry to fondle, those breasts reminded snape of lily in her gryffindor robes, back when they were in second year and innocent of the dangers that laid ahead. 

danger, that brought up uncle vernon and dudley and sometimes petunia too, fists and frying pans and sometimes harry would lie in his cupboard and hope his aunt woke him up to do things, to touch him, he needed someone to touch him, he needed to have that even though it was lily's name coming out of his aunt's lips, even though his tiny genitals felt and looked and were wrong in such a large hand, a woman's hand, dudley's gang taunting harry with "my mom told me you were a whore, so eat this, you desperate shemale" before they threw pennies and rocks and whatever they could find at harry. 

snape felt sick but he was in too far now, he saw the rapes, he saw the hunger, the broken ribs, the good times too: chocolate cake with mrs. figg (the overwhelming fear she might try something like his aunt did, having him earn his food with kisses and 'favors'), that blessed day at the zoo (before harry ruined it with his freakishness, the ice cream had never tasted so good) 

snape felt a sickening desire as he tore through harry's recent memories, of the boy looking in the mirror and wondering what it was that made him so broken (hagrid's "yer not broken, 'arry, she lied teh yeh, yer not meant fer sex yer meant to be a kid"), harry talking to hagrid and flinching at fang (for a moment fang was ripper and harry was going to die, he was going to torn to pieces by a bull dog and snape scoffed to himself, boy-who-lived killed by common mutt, he could see it already) 

snape felt immense satisfaction as he exited harry's mind, looking into those green, green eyes. harry potter, boo hoo, the boy who had no childhood and had to miss class to be coddled by grown ups for accidentally creating a child - snape wondered at the audacity of petunia to write that letter, didn't she know it took two to tango? snape looked at james potter's son and felt the world had finally given him justice for his own stolen childhood, his own sexual assault in sixth year when james potter exposed snape in front of the entire grade and he lost lily forever, his own- snape looked at harry, a boy who had been trained as good for nothing but his body. yes, snape thought. the world has given me justice, and, he looked at those green eyes and saw lily again, a chance to consummate what should have happened, to have lily again without digging up her corpse, to have sweet sweet revenge. 

harry felt those eyes on him, looking hungry and satisfied like petunia did when knew his body was pleasuring itself against his will. harry remembered the words told to him just half an hour ago - "if anyone makes you feel uncomfortable the way your aunt did, or you suspect they might, i have a bracelet charmed." he handed to harry. it was still in harry's robes as he bottled the potion he had made automatically while in the throes of flashbacks. "touch it and i will have house elves bring the offender to the aurors. if they are innocent, nothing bad will happen to them and you will not in trouble whatsoever." 

"mr. potter. stay after class." snape took harry's potion, and, in a way that might to outsiders seem innocent if it were not already known that snape hated harry, placed his hand on harry's shoulder. "i need to discuss your tardiness." the hand crept lower. harry grabbed the bracelet, squeezing it with all this might. 

snape had harry's robes and pants off by the time the elves apparated him off the premises. harry was shaking. harry had stopped it from happening again, but he also now had absolute proof - hogwarts was not safe. nowhere was safe.


	16. takeover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> harry was not in the dungeon

harry was not in the dungeon. 

oh, harry's body was in the dungeon. his eyes were open, his skin still responding to the ghost of his professor's touch with goose pimples, where shape had touched him, touched his shoulders, his chest, his thighs, his body was still there, responding to the professor automatically, unaware that his clenched fist had removed the man before he could do anything more than touch. 

yes, harry's body was there, but what made harry a person was gone. his eyes were open but unseeing, his sense of time and reality gone. harry had gone like this before, when the abuse became too much. if snape had legilimized him right then, he would mistake harry for a master occlumens- he just wasn't thinking. 

this was how flitwick found him. they couldn't go to the hospital wing, filch would be the opposite of helpful. flitwick decided to take harry to hagrid's hut. traumatized children and animals react the same ways.


End file.
